Closure before bedtime.

I know I'll fill this crack. It might turn out to be a beautiful, tragic thing after all... Bittersweet, peppered with regret and unrequited affection, the sort of stuff you imagine would feel good to romanticize about... The kind I secretly make fun of because it sounds so fake. Bottom line - Make peace with it, frills attached or not. May be one can learn to savour this too. Perhaps I can  manage to shut this one up into one of those many dark boxes at the back of my head, and forget about it as is the natural way of things. And one day if I do find it, I will see it to be not as sharp - the edges softened by months of routine, and like those silly pictures of years ago one finds hidden, i hope there will be a similar feeling of happy remembrance, and that giddy feeling when you know, that this was never to be a part of who you are and never will be.

To be one with the feeling that something is over, without any regrets - is not the most easy task for me. Especially when there is a tendency to blame one self. I am my worst judge, and even worse, I don't have that small voice at the back of my head like other people do perhaps, I know I have a goddamned banshee in my head constantly yelling at me how worthless I am.

Sometimes, it helps to have faced your inner demons already before facing those that haunt the world outside. I have taken enough chastising from my conscience, and a handsome deal of berating and self loathing to know that no one can treat me worse or say uglier things to me than I can and I have.

This too shall pass, easier said than done but is still the order of things and I truly believe in it. I have survived what is in my mind (precisely - nihilistic omnidirectional contempt for each single lifestyle choice of mine) and I can survive anything after that. This might not be my biggest source of courage, but it is the truest.